The Gradient Lair posted this definition of patriarchy back in October 2013 …
What I mean when I say “patriarchy”: A set of socially maintained systems, values, and ideologies which perpetuate arbitrary and outdated ideas about gender and human sexuality, encompassing social phenomena like homophobia, transphobia, and sexism.
What people THINK I mean when i say “patriarchy”: A secret brotherhood that meets together once a month to discuss how best to oppress women, and are in control of all the world’s governments.
She nails it here. We could substitute “patriarchy” for “Whiteness”. How often have we had to explain Whiteness, only be given responses like “but not all white people are like that”, “but I’m not racist” etc. Whiteness, like Patriarchy is a system of values that you don’t even know exist, that are invisible to you because they uphold your understanding of normality, that you are a part of. They’re invisible.
Gradient Lair is a must read. http://www.gradientlair.com.