nostalgia & melancholy

i listen to the radio a lot. when I’m in the car. at home. i tend to listen to stations like 4BH 882, 4KQ. sometimes when i hear songs, I’m transported back to other times and other places. i can’t describe the feeling i get – it’s weird – it’s in my head and in my gut. it’s a nostalgia i think. it’s often such an early memory i can’t even remember an event or people associated with it. but i know it’s from the past, a time that no longer exists. i occasionally get it when i look hard at old photos as well.

but what is scary is when the nostalgia turns to melancholy (i’m not sure this is the right word but it’s what i think best describes it). what is scary is that the melancholy feels like a dark well. sometimes it’s a well because of things i would ‘do over’ but can’t, words said that shouldn’t have been, words said that should have been.

if i let myself i can fall in it, it’s hard to get out.

i’ve learned not to let myself go down the well. to do so is indulgent. what happened in the past happened. nostalgia and melancholy can be nooses around the neck of the present, always dragging the past (that can’t be undone) along.

i’ve taught myself, to not let myself sit in melancholy. when i realise where i am, i will shake my head, tell myself (out loud) ‘knock it off’, i will click my fingers to the present.

i will not let myself indulge too long in that place.