Tag: #blogJUNE

Thoughts on my wavering atheism

I like being an atheist. I’m not elitist about it, or staunch. It’s just sensible. Virgin Births, burning pits of hell, parting seas, angels… yeah. righto. no thanks.

I was raised Catholic. We went to church every week until I was 18 when I decided that I didn’t want to go anymore. When we were little we were so Catholic that when we stayed at Nan’s, we would do the rosary before bed. I can still whip through a decade like nobody’s business. 

I love my Cathlic stuff – I collect Rosary Beads and Nativity Sets. I go to Mass every now and then. I enjoy it. It relaxes me, and it reminds me of my youth. But the silliness (i.e. the lack of transparency, the patriarchy, the institutional sexism etc) of the Catholic Church… I know all that stuff means I can never fully go back.

Anyway, I am/was happy with my atheism.

Until the old fella went.

I find myself feeling better when I imagine that he’s still here. That he is still with us. I so badly want him to still be here.

That’s why I feel my atheism wavering like never before.

It hurts so much. Everyday I have to remind myself that he’s not here anymore. The pain of him not being here on this earth pisses me off. He didn’t get to finish the way he was meant to – he was taken.

I don’t know how people do it. I’m a mess when I think about it. I’m a mess just writing these words.

But I feel good when I think of his spirit, with us and around us. He visits me in my dreams and when I’m daydreaming. I won’t go back to the Church, but I’m not sure I want to go back to being atheist either.

I don’t know if it’s just a grief that’s making me go back to the beliefs that were embedded in me so early and for so long. Maybe, like the grief, it will pass.

Check-In time

I’m an Edgie. That is, I’ve done the Edgeware Build Your Business training, and am a casual facilitator of the program.

One of the first things you learn when you become an Edgie is to Check-In and Check-Out. It’s an opportunity air your stuff – the good as well as the bad, what you’ve been up to, where your state of being is etc.
Last night we had an (online) Edgeware meeting, with facilitators from Australia and Europe. It was during my check-in that I became really aware of just how much I’ve got going on right now.
I shared that we are 
  • starting our new Dark and Disturbing brand
  • working on the SEQICC Annual Indigenous Business Breakfast
  • planning for a couple of market events in July (Teneriffe Markets and CIAF)
  • working on a new range of packages for the graphic design and web design components of our business.
What I didn’t mention was that 
  • I was preparing for a presentation with the Queensland Youth Leadership Program at Parliament House (did it today)
  • “Launched” the inaugural Deadly Bloggers Blog Carnival
I can’t believe how much I have on right now. The above to bullet lists don’t even mention the client work and normal blogging work that we do. 
I feel pretty good right now. Though next week I may be going out of my mind.  

(not really) Winter

It’s 8pm, and I’m wearing thongs, though I do have a scarf on.

This is winter in Brisbane.

It’s the season where for a few days in an official three month season you get to wear boots, jackets, leather and scarves. I have jackets that are years old but barely worn. Same goes for my knee length boots. It’s their third season, but not at all worn out. My winter cardies are probably a decade old, but still hold their own.

I’m sure it’s hard to dispute the assertion that Brisbane winters are simply perfect, being neither too hot nor too cold.

We like to complain that winter is, well, wintery. But we can’t, it’s just not. Right now it’s 18 degrees. In June. The middle of winter.

Could we really live anywhere else?

Mum’s Garden

Sitting in mum’s backyard tonight. Surrounded by overgrown trees and shrubs; the ground a carpet of fallen leaves; every minute or so a sting of a mosquito bite; dense oxygen filled air; the occasional movement of leaves from fluttering birds eager for a feed before the night comes; her garden, a cave that hides me from the outside world.

#blogJUNE

– is this the correct use of semi colans? I really don’t know.

Learning to lead

So, it’s 10.35pm, and I’m struggling to come up with anything to post.

Right now I’m so overwhelmed by both my paid and unpaid work. I feel like I’m neglecting clients. They’re so wonderful I can’t believe they haven’t Tweeted how crap the service (or lack of) is that they’ve been getting. All my work is fulfilling, and I know I need to delegate more effectively, but I’m still learning how. I must be so frustrating to work with me sometimes.

I’m definitely still working in the business than on it.

My volunteer work is taking up so much more time these past months, but there is currently no one to take my place and I do love the SEQICC and its vision. So leaving the organisation is absolutely out of the question right now.

I noted a few articles on Hilary Clinton’s leadership secrets today. While some of the ideas are valuable, they don’t necessarily help an ordinary woman like me right now.

What did help me today, was two particularly inspiring conversations I had.

The first was with someone who “played the possibility game” with me. Over the course of two hours, we trusted each other, told the truth to ourselves and each other, and came up with a pathway to creating something new in Brisbane, something that could really make a difference to the community. I only met her today, but she was inspiring and the meeting made me believe that people can work together without constantly border protecting.

The second was with an amazing Murri women who I’ve grown to love and admire over the past few years. Another ordinary woman, but an extraordinary talent and and mind. She gets me, understands the challenges of being a parent, a parent of teens, and working as an independent, with artists and within a creative space. I trust her implicitly. She also pushes me to be brave and to value myself and what I’m capable of. Coming away from two hours with her, leaves me energised.

Okay. So it turns out I do have something to write about this fine #blogJUNE day.

I’m still learning about leadership. I find myself reflecting on it more and more. The conversations I have help me to put the pieces together.

My dad bought a tablet

My dad bought a tablet. He’s on it all the time, working on this and that. Last night though he had a bit of confusion.

 He was swiping his finger over the tablet and these streaks of black were appearing on the screen where he wiped. He was confused. Looking at his hands, looking for the black ink or paint on them, but not finding any.
He said to mum “What’s going on? Why is this black stuff on the screen?” Still unable to determine the source of the black, still looking at his hands.
Mum just busted out laughing.
He was using a Paint app.